Let's try to understand the reality of a bully and relate their behavior to mental health. I was reading an article about "seriel bullies" and wow, sure puts things in perspective. I will highlight a number of points that seem the most prevalent and will provide the link to read additional information.
The serial bully;
1. "has a Jekyll and Hyde nature - is vile, vicious and vindictive in private, but innocent and charming in front of witnesses; no-one can (or wants to) believe this individual has a vindictive nature - only the current target of the serial bully's aggression sees both sides; whilst the Jekyll side is described as "charming" and convincing enough to deceive personnel, management and a tribunal, the Hyde side is frequently described as "evil"; Hyde is the real person, Jekyll is an act".
This sure highlights my findings when it comes to the bulliedatwork situation and there are a number of situations, emails and conversations which describes this person's personality perfectly. It is very frustrating looking back, I knew from the first moment I met her/him to the last moment I dealt with her/him that she/he was a Hyde person but the Jekyll persona keeps you off balance...and it is this persona which questions the red flags.
2. "is a control freak and has a compulsive need to control everyone and everything you say, do, think and believe".
In reflecting back on my bulliedatwork ordeal, I realize control was the central focus in every aspect of the situation. She/he wanted it her/his way or no way, she/he controlled others by making them fearful of her/his Dr. Jekyll, Dr. Hyde persona which made having control over others manipulative and down right shameful.
3. "is highly manipulative, especially of people's perceptions and emotions (eg guilt)".
This goes with #2, highly manipulative, for sure. She/he made sure she/he kept her/his hold on you by showing Dr. Jeykll to throw you off balance, making you believe her/his intentions for helping or doing something special was from the kindness of her/his heart. Reality, it was about control and manipulation so when she/he turned into Dr. Hyde she/he believed and many times did control the response of others. In my case, I understood the guilt that was being bestowed on every once of my being and any past good deeds she/he extended my way was the carrot to some day control/manipulate me.
4. "poisons peoples' minds by manipulating their perceptions".
This fits right into the last two points with out having to add additional comments.
5. "is arrogant, haughty, high-handed, and a know-all"
I laughed when I read this point because she/he had an issue with everyone, everything, only she/he knew or did all the right things. Definitely a KNOW IT ALL and arrogant is an understatement.
6. "often has an overwhelming, unhealthy and narcissistic attention-seeking need to portray themselves as a wonderful, kind, caring and compassionate person, in contrast to their behaviour and treatment of others; the bully sees nothing wrong with their behavior and chooses to remain oblivious to the discrepancy between how they like to be seen and how they are seen by others ".
This hits everything about her/him right in the gut. If there was a meeting in the office, outside the office, lunch meeting, etc, it did not matter, she/he was going to talk about people in her/his life, focus on her/his issues, never listening to others or caring to allow others to get a word in edge wise...Narcissitic, attention seeking, definitely. You have experienced a person like this in your personal life, work relationships and maybe in your own families. Picture the person who walks in when others are talking, does not pay attention to the conversation at hand and jumps in to complain, gossip and does not shut up, talking about themselves. Remember, it is all about them at all times.
7. "uses gossip, back-stabbing or spreads rumours to undermine, discredit and isolate".
If people only knew or accepted that old saying your mother use to tell you, "if there talking about that person, they are talking about you". I never did not think she/he was not talking behind my back, I accepted she/he was a gossip, heck, she/he talked about everyone from her/his own employees, her/his children, her/his parents, family members, friends, cousins...you name it, she/he gossiped about every person. Sadly, she/he felt so confident in her/his manipulation she/he would put things in emails, she/he did not care, as she/he said, "no one is that smart to keep the emails to use against me". Hmmmm, never know what emails someone saves or how they may come back at some point to bite you.
http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/serial.htm
I only highlighted part of the website, it is good reading but lengthy. Serial bullies, this helps me to understand why over three years things would bounce from one person in the office, to a person in the bulliedatwork family or friends...just cannot help themselves since the pattern is a part of a mental health diagnosis.
Take note
Targeted
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