Saturday, March 2, 2013
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Revealed
I was reading back through the blogs I have written and was able to demonstrate the bullying bosses pattern of bullying. This was achieved by taking the research written on the subject and interjecting my own personal experience with a bully. There are many experts on the subject of bullying, who studied patterns and psychological traits. I was in search of understanding this epidemic and educating myself on the parallels of my story and research.
I will always be perplexed by the people who continue to encourage and/or support a bullies pattern, especially after the parallels have been confirmed.
A bully response in a specific way when revealed. The website bully online explains it perfectly:
If the light bulb goes on in your head, as it did in mind, you will distance yourself or put up some walls away from the bully. Sadly, once a bully always a bully and revealing a bully's true colors, well you already know what that entails. Just remember a young child, a brownie/cub scout leader, a wife/husband, your child, your mother/father or YOU will be attacked.
What will you choose to do?
I will always be perplexed by the people who continue to encourage and/or support a bullies pattern, especially after the parallels have been confirmed.
A bully response in a specific way when revealed. The website bully online explains it perfectly:
"Serial bullies harbour a particular hatred of anyone who can articulate their behaviour profile, either verbally or in writing - as on this page - in a manner which helps other people see through their deception and their mask of deceit. The usual instinctive response is to launch a bitter personal attack on the person's credentials, lack of qualifications, and right to talk about personality disorders, psychopathic personality etc, whilst preserving their right to talk about anything they choose - all the while adding nothing to the debate themselves."The pattern is clear. If you are someone who is involved with a bully and their pattern is revealed, you have a choice to continue to listen to their gossip and lies. Trust me, if you are starting to question the bully's reactions and are walking away with a gut feeling...do not ignore it, it is your warning. As I have said before, if you think for one second as the bully is talking about me or someone else, trust me they have and are talking about you. If you stop and reflect with an open mind, you will piece things all together.
"Serial bullies hate to see themselves and their behaviour reflected as if they are looking into a mirror." http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/serial.htm#Denial
If the light bulb goes on in your head, as it did in mind, you will distance yourself or put up some walls away from the bully. Sadly, once a bully always a bully and revealing a bully's true colors, well you already know what that entails. Just remember a young child, a brownie/cub scout leader, a wife/husband, your child, your mother/father or YOU will be attacked.
What will you choose to do?
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Interesting website reading
The following is from the website, http://www.bullyfreeliving.com/
What bullies don't want you to know...
"If a victim fights back the bully will say, "See, they're the real bullies.
We are the real victim."
"Bullies often will lie about what they have done and are doing. A bully will deny it or claim they are the 'real' victim. Be ready for this to happen. Don't let their lies affect you."
"Bullies will often find a sidekick - a person or group- they will 'use' for their own gain. In their path there are often many individuals they have manipulated and 'used."
"Bullies are very convincing story tellers often gaining sympathy and 'assistants' who help them bully. Rest assured, bullies will 'use' these people then turn on them. Often their sidekick is terrified of being the next victim."
"In cases we have seen bullies tell bold-faced lies to the police when questioned. Even after they are caught in the lie, they never told the truth."
"Bullies are likely to be narcissists never taking responsibility for their actions. Never."
What bullies don't want you to know...
"If a victim fights back the bully will say, "See, they're the real bullies.
We are the real victim."
"Bullies often will lie about what they have done and are doing. A bully will deny it or claim they are the 'real' victim. Be ready for this to happen. Don't let their lies affect you."
"Bullies will often find a sidekick - a person or group- they will 'use' for their own gain. In their path there are often many individuals they have manipulated and 'used."
"Bullies are very convincing story tellers often gaining sympathy and 'assistants' who help them bully. Rest assured, bullies will 'use' these people then turn on them. Often their sidekick is terrified of being the next victim."
"In cases we have seen bullies tell bold-faced lies to the police when questioned. Even after they are caught in the lie, they never told the truth."
"Bullies are likely to be narcissists never taking responsibility for their actions. Never."
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Horrible nightmare...
I have not written in a while. I have had so much on my plate and the bullying boss, I thought was a distant memory. Unfortunately, the bullying boss creeped into my dreams last night. As I have written previously, I have a sick spouse. My spouse has been sick for a while and now has been hospitalized for almost 4 months. Each day is another day, each hour brings another change. Yesterday was the first day my spouse expressed worry about not making it and concern for our families well-being...it brought me to tears.
A bully has long lasting affects on your well-being even long after you believe those issues are resolved. Waking up this morning after having a dream in which the bullying boss reappeared brought back so much pain. I recall stating in emails to the bullying boss to please stop what was happening and that I needed my job. I needed my job for all the obvious reasons but especially because of my spouses health. I needed the security and stability financially.
The bullying boss made a comment about a co-worker. The bullying boss talked many times about getting rid of this person but had decided this was not an option because the co-workers spouse was in a wheelchair. Of course, this was a visual others could see and therefore, could not act on his/her wishes. I believe it would of shown the true heart of the bullying boss to people. I guess my spouse was safe game because his sickness at the time did not show so outwardly.
There were so many conversations with the bullying boss about my worries about having a job throughout the years I was employed at his/her company. A bully does keep haunting your dreams....my fears have come true in regards to my spouses illness. The situation is worse then being in a wheelchair, my spouse is fighting for his/her life. The bullying boss should understand the results of their actions having lasting stress. The act of the bullying was wrong and the firing was unjustified. You did me and my family wrong.
In my dream I was able to tell you to your face all that I feel and think of you! Maybe someday I will have the opportunity but then again it would not matter...I do not believe you will ever reflect on your actions and the deep impact of what you did on a another human being.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Deep is where my thoughts go
It has been a while since I wrote. I have been writing this blog for nearly 6 months and am amazed that I have had nearly 1,000 page views. I thank each of you for reading my story and have enjoyed reading other blogs about work place bullying. It is time this blog takes a little different spin.
The past month or so has been busy with work, family and the holidays. My family dealt with a death, illness and change in employment. The year ended with a short vacation to the west coast where I was able to visit the ocean. As I get older, I realize the reasons why I love the ocean and the completeness of my soul near it. The ocean puts everything in perspective, it makes me forget about my worries, allows me to breath in my joys and makes me realize its massive powers. I am still in awe of the oceans beauty, of the waves flowing back and forth on the sand, the white waves crashing up against the rocks and the birds floating freely without a care in the world. The ocean is my excitement, it fills me with energy!
I was able to sit for a while and think, think about the many changes in my life over the past year, over the past 5 years. I have had many achievements, many highs and some lows. Through it all, some things remained constant and true...my spouse, my parents and my children. No matter where life took me I remained positive, humbled and ethical. I have stayed true to my one motto, "at the end of the day, I need to be able to look myself in the mirror and lay my head down on my pillow knowing my heart was in the right places". This is not to say I am perfect and have made mistakes along the way...the difference is that I have not had a vindictive heart or set out to intentionally hurt anyone. I am confident of this!
Except when I am reminded of the bullying boss and the residual effects left on my spirit. The truth be told, the bullying boss has been a visitor to this blog and has confessed this is about him/her. I have been reluctant to write about my deep thoughts and the effects someone like this leaves on your spirit...the fear of the bullying boss getting satisfaction out of the pain caused to my life by his/her hand. Well, it does not matter any longer because the damage is done and I believe eventually what you give out to the universe will come back at you ten fold---karma happens but most importantly the bullying boss will have to explain his/her actions to God (and God knows what evil was in your heart).
As I continued to sit by the ocean thinking about life, I realized I shared less of my personal life with others over the past year. I did not share much of my worries about my sick spouse or how afraid I am to ever lose the person that has made my life complete. Sadly, the bullying boss knew my fears, worries and concerns about not being able to provide for myself if something ever happened to my spouse. The bullying boss knew how much I needed my job, my financial worries and my concern for security with employment. The bullying boss tried to use these fears to get me to beg, no plead for mercy at all costs. I kept believing during the four months of bullying, the bullying boss would stop and eventually get a heart---I was wrong, I was so wrong. I guess even in light of the devil standing at my door, I continued to believe it would all work out and "this to shall pass". It was the positive stinking thinking I seemed to try to bring into my heart and soul. The ironic thing is that I actively searched for other employment and was offered a job but turned it down believing the bullying would stop.
Instead, I learned positive thinking does not always prevail. Working hard and caring about people does not always secure your employment. Being humble and grounded means nothing in the big spectrum of life. And sadly, I learned people are vicious and do not care about your worries. It is about playing the game (with the game master), whether you are a hard working employee or a lazy manipulative employee, it does not matter to someone like the bullying boss or anybody who is a bully. It is all about the power you have over others. The workplace has turned into an ego building place. Its not about your credentials, work ethics or hard work. This is reality!
And the question becomes how to play the game without giving up your soul, self-esteem, your self-respect????? I am not sure I uncovered the answers to this question. I do know my life is forever changed and my level of trust toward people has diminished greatly. My worries and fears remain the same.
My reality, the job I took over the past year was wonderful (honestly, the most fulfilling I have ever had) and the hope was for it to last long with possible future opportunities. Unfortunately, this does not seem likely (a part of me is hopeful).
I have a spouse that is sick and currently in the hospital waiting to have surgery. Our lives have changed drastically over the past 4 or 5 years. We have suffered highs and lows. My stress remains high and it is harder to find the spirit I use to have deep in my soul. Looking for the positive side of things. I am less optimistic and more pessimistic.
As you read this bullying boss, I understand you can never empathize with the effect you left on my life. My worries remain the same today as it did when I kept reminding you I needed my job, I needed to have security in employment and my spouse did not need added stress. You knew all of the deep thoughts I had and was feeling. You will probably find humor in all this and gain some energy, its fine...I choose to freely give this moment to you.
For others reading this blog, bullying effects people's lives during the bullying and long after. Bullying has residual effects on a persons spirit, health and outlook toward the world. This is a reality! If you are a bully and find no empathy in this blog, I feel sorry for your heart and soul. If you are affected by the blog, there is hope for your heart and soul. And if you are being bullied or have experienced bullying and can relate to the residual effects, the scars...you are not alone!
Survivor
The past month or so has been busy with work, family and the holidays. My family dealt with a death, illness and change in employment. The year ended with a short vacation to the west coast where I was able to visit the ocean. As I get older, I realize the reasons why I love the ocean and the completeness of my soul near it. The ocean puts everything in perspective, it makes me forget about my worries, allows me to breath in my joys and makes me realize its massive powers. I am still in awe of the oceans beauty, of the waves flowing back and forth on the sand, the white waves crashing up against the rocks and the birds floating freely without a care in the world. The ocean is my excitement, it fills me with energy!
I was able to sit for a while and think, think about the many changes in my life over the past year, over the past 5 years. I have had many achievements, many highs and some lows. Through it all, some things remained constant and true...my spouse, my parents and my children. No matter where life took me I remained positive, humbled and ethical. I have stayed true to my one motto, "at the end of the day, I need to be able to look myself in the mirror and lay my head down on my pillow knowing my heart was in the right places". This is not to say I am perfect and have made mistakes along the way...the difference is that I have not had a vindictive heart or set out to intentionally hurt anyone. I am confident of this!
Except when I am reminded of the bullying boss and the residual effects left on my spirit. The truth be told, the bullying boss has been a visitor to this blog and has confessed this is about him/her. I have been reluctant to write about my deep thoughts and the effects someone like this leaves on your spirit...the fear of the bullying boss getting satisfaction out of the pain caused to my life by his/her hand. Well, it does not matter any longer because the damage is done and I believe eventually what you give out to the universe will come back at you ten fold---karma happens but most importantly the bullying boss will have to explain his/her actions to God (and God knows what evil was in your heart).
As I continued to sit by the ocean thinking about life, I realized I shared less of my personal life with others over the past year. I did not share much of my worries about my sick spouse or how afraid I am to ever lose the person that has made my life complete. Sadly, the bullying boss knew my fears, worries and concerns about not being able to provide for myself if something ever happened to my spouse. The bullying boss knew how much I needed my job, my financial worries and my concern for security with employment. The bullying boss tried to use these fears to get me to beg, no plead for mercy at all costs. I kept believing during the four months of bullying, the bullying boss would stop and eventually get a heart---I was wrong, I was so wrong. I guess even in light of the devil standing at my door, I continued to believe it would all work out and "this to shall pass". It was the positive stinking thinking I seemed to try to bring into my heart and soul. The ironic thing is that I actively searched for other employment and was offered a job but turned it down believing the bullying would stop.
Instead, I learned positive thinking does not always prevail. Working hard and caring about people does not always secure your employment. Being humble and grounded means nothing in the big spectrum of life. And sadly, I learned people are vicious and do not care about your worries. It is about playing the game (with the game master), whether you are a hard working employee or a lazy manipulative employee, it does not matter to someone like the bullying boss or anybody who is a bully. It is all about the power you have over others. The workplace has turned into an ego building place. Its not about your credentials, work ethics or hard work. This is reality!
And the question becomes how to play the game without giving up your soul, self-esteem, your self-respect????? I am not sure I uncovered the answers to this question. I do know my life is forever changed and my level of trust toward people has diminished greatly. My worries and fears remain the same.
My reality, the job I took over the past year was wonderful (honestly, the most fulfilling I have ever had) and the hope was for it to last long with possible future opportunities. Unfortunately, this does not seem likely (a part of me is hopeful).
I have a spouse that is sick and currently in the hospital waiting to have surgery. Our lives have changed drastically over the past 4 or 5 years. We have suffered highs and lows. My stress remains high and it is harder to find the spirit I use to have deep in my soul. Looking for the positive side of things. I am less optimistic and more pessimistic.
As you read this bullying boss, I understand you can never empathize with the effect you left on my life. My worries remain the same today as it did when I kept reminding you I needed my job, I needed to have security in employment and my spouse did not need added stress. You knew all of the deep thoughts I had and was feeling. You will probably find humor in all this and gain some energy, its fine...I choose to freely give this moment to you.
For others reading this blog, bullying effects people's lives during the bullying and long after. Bullying has residual effects on a persons spirit, health and outlook toward the world. This is a reality! If you are a bully and find no empathy in this blog, I feel sorry for your heart and soul. If you are affected by the blog, there is hope for your heart and soul. And if you are being bullied or have experienced bullying and can relate to the residual effects, the scars...you are not alone!
Survivor
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Powerful YouTube Video
In response to this YouTube video:
I was just telling someone the other day, I have moved on but my life has changed after experiencing workplace bullying. Bullying is not a joke, its very very real and anyone choosing to do nothing to stand up to it, is only being a part of this epidemic. You are no better then the bully!
We can make a difference in the life of a person being bullied. Yes, you might be scared but it is no longer an excuse for not taking a stand! STOP BULLYING!!!!
Survivor
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Happy Thanksgiving
The night before Thanksgiving, Tommy Turkey is ready to be cooked, the traditional green bean casserole, sweet potatoes and cranberry sauce is prepared.
To be thankful for the blessings of my spouse, my children, family and "true" friends. The past year has been a roller coaster, the roller coaster started off at a low and is ending on a high. It is true what they say, life only gives you what you can handle and everything happens for a reason. I concur on both!
Throughout my life I have always strived to develop self-awareness. To understand and develop clear healthy boundaries with others in my life. This is not to say that this is always perfect when dealing with life and sometimes I have become comfortable...allowing people to cross over my healthy boundaries into unhealthy boundaries for myself. The past year has reminded me to continue to listen to that voice of intellect and reason, to be self-aware of the healthy boundaries.
I continue to be trusting of others but when I see warning signs along the way, I do not dismiss them. Instead, when a situation does not feel right, to pay attention, reflect and re-evaluate.
Getting rid of drama in my life, not just talking about it but actually making a conscious effort to reflect and re-evaluate...then make a decision based on my healthy boundaries.
"Healthy boundaries create healthy relationships. Unhealthy boundaries create dysfunctional ones. By establishing clear boundaries, we define ourselves in relation to others. To do this, however, we must be able to identify and respect our needs, feelings, opinions, and rights. Otherwise our efforts would be like putting a fence around a yard without knowing the property lines"
"Those with healthy boundaries are firm but flexible. They give support and accept it. They respect their feelings, needs, opinions, and rights, and those of others, but are clear about their separateness. They are responsible for their own happiness and allow others to be responsible for their happiness. They are assertive and respectful of the rights of others to be assertive. They are able to negotiate and compromise, have empathy for others, are able to make mistakes without damaging their self-esteem, and have an internal sense of personal identity. They respect diversity. Those with healthy boundaries are comfortable with themselves, and make others comfortable around them. They live in houses with fences and gates that allow access only to those who respect their boundaries" (http://serenityonlinetherapy.com/healthyboundaries.htm).
In reflecting, my healthy boundaries can no longer tolerate disrespectfulness. At the same time, there are no hard feelings or argument, instead acceptance. The gate around the house is not a swinging door. Can the gate ever be open? I think in certain circumstances but in regard to someone like the bullying boss, those gates will forever be closed. Why you may ask?
The bullying boss set out with his/her plot and lies with the intention to destroy me at all cost.
Forgiveness, I have pondered what this truly means in regards to the bullying boss. I can say forgiveness is not forgetting the pain caused but moving forward, letting go of the anger and not allowing them to hurt us. Forgiveness is not about being friendly to the person that has done us wrong or allowing them back into our lives. It is in talking about and healing from the experience.
I am thankful for people placed in my life. My true friends that have lasted an entire life time, some I talk to a few times a week and others a few times a month but always being able to leave off where we were and trusting completely and unconditionally. Parents that I can count on without any question and love me unconditionally. A spouse that loves me unconditionally, laughs at my dumb jokes and never complains about his/her suffering with his/her illness, instead appreciates all that he/she has and my children that smile each day and know happiness and have good health (and who make me proud each and everyday).
I wanted to thank everyone that has visited my blog, listened to my struggles, hopeful it has been educational and helpful.
I wish each of you a very Happy Thanksgiving with all the blessings! Survivor
To be thankful for the blessings of my spouse, my children, family and "true" friends. The past year has been a roller coaster, the roller coaster started off at a low and is ending on a high. It is true what they say, life only gives you what you can handle and everything happens for a reason. I concur on both!
Throughout my life I have always strived to develop self-awareness. To understand and develop clear healthy boundaries with others in my life. This is not to say that this is always perfect when dealing with life and sometimes I have become comfortable...allowing people to cross over my healthy boundaries into unhealthy boundaries for myself. The past year has reminded me to continue to listen to that voice of intellect and reason, to be self-aware of the healthy boundaries.
I continue to be trusting of others but when I see warning signs along the way, I do not dismiss them. Instead, when a situation does not feel right, to pay attention, reflect and re-evaluate.
Getting rid of drama in my life, not just talking about it but actually making a conscious effort to reflect and re-evaluate...then make a decision based on my healthy boundaries.
"Healthy boundaries create healthy relationships. Unhealthy boundaries create dysfunctional ones. By establishing clear boundaries, we define ourselves in relation to others. To do this, however, we must be able to identify and respect our needs, feelings, opinions, and rights. Otherwise our efforts would be like putting a fence around a yard without knowing the property lines"
"Those with healthy boundaries are firm but flexible. They give support and accept it. They respect their feelings, needs, opinions, and rights, and those of others, but are clear about their separateness. They are responsible for their own happiness and allow others to be responsible for their happiness. They are assertive and respectful of the rights of others to be assertive. They are able to negotiate and compromise, have empathy for others, are able to make mistakes without damaging their self-esteem, and have an internal sense of personal identity. They respect diversity. Those with healthy boundaries are comfortable with themselves, and make others comfortable around them. They live in houses with fences and gates that allow access only to those who respect their boundaries" (http://serenityonlinetherapy.com/healthyboundaries.htm).
In reflecting, my healthy boundaries can no longer tolerate disrespectfulness. At the same time, there are no hard feelings or argument, instead acceptance. The gate around the house is not a swinging door. Can the gate ever be open? I think in certain circumstances but in regard to someone like the bullying boss, those gates will forever be closed. Why you may ask?
The bullying boss set out with his/her plot and lies with the intention to destroy me at all cost.
Forgiveness, I have pondered what this truly means in regards to the bullying boss. I can say forgiveness is not forgetting the pain caused but moving forward, letting go of the anger and not allowing them to hurt us. Forgiveness is not about being friendly to the person that has done us wrong or allowing them back into our lives. It is in talking about and healing from the experience.
I am thankful for people placed in my life. My true friends that have lasted an entire life time, some I talk to a few times a week and others a few times a month but always being able to leave off where we were and trusting completely and unconditionally. Parents that I can count on without any question and love me unconditionally. A spouse that loves me unconditionally, laughs at my dumb jokes and never complains about his/her suffering with his/her illness, instead appreciates all that he/she has and my children that smile each day and know happiness and have good health (and who make me proud each and everyday).
I wanted to thank everyone that has visited my blog, listened to my struggles, hopeful it has been educational and helpful.
I wish each of you a very Happy Thanksgiving with all the blessings! Survivor
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)